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Every time I thought about writing this post, I dreaded it. I would stare at the blank screen and just watch the blinking cursor.
On August 24th, 2011 I lost my best friend, the person I consider more of a mother than my real one, and my Grandmother.
It has been really hard for me because it was so sudden. I mean she has always been sick, but she would always bounce back. This time, she didn't. My dad and my Grandpa took her into the hospital early Wednesday morning and stayed until about 4:30 am. They were taking tests. My dad and Grandpa came home to get some rest. My grandpa sat on the couch and told me they weren't sure what was wrong, but she wasn't doing very well. We hugged and he went to lay down. About 20 minutes from when he had walked in the door, the hospital called. She had pneumonia. I stood in the doorway of their room and waited for him to tell me. I just started to cry. I knew something was wrong. I went downstairs to my room, got in bed and about 20-25 minutes from the first phone call, the hospital called again. They needed to put her on life support. They were trying and going to try everything they could. I cried even more and prayed harder than I had in a long time. About 20 minutes from that phone call, another. We needed to go say our goodbyes. I called my dad, my grandpa wanted him to come get him and take him to the hospital. It had been about 10 minutes since the call to my dad, my Grandpa called my uncle Shane, I called my Justin and then Chris to come sit with Cohen. My Grandpa wanted to know where my dad was, I called him..and he told me. She was already gone. My heart broke. My grandpa left to the hospital on his own. I stayed at the house and waited for Chris.
Chris got to my house and I just cried. I was still pretty numb and it hadn't really hit me yet. Chris drove me to the Timpanogos Hospital in Orem and dropped me off. I walked through the doors and into the elevator, the whole time I was shaking and didn't know what to expect. I got to the 4th floor and stopped at the restroom. I thought for sure I was going to throw up. I walked into her room and her eyes were open, that was the first thing I noticed. My dad was there, my uncle Shane, my cousin Emily, my great aunt Sue and her husband Jimmy. I hugged my aunt Sue, then my uncle Shane, my cousin Emily, and then my dad. I sat in shoulder and cried. Once I got it sort of together, he told me to go say goodbye. I didn't know if I could. Her eyes were open..and I didn't like that. Everyone just told me to look at how peaceful she looked, and she did. She was staring up off into the distance, like someone was waiting for her. Her skin looked so beautiful. I just kept waiting for her to turn over and say just kidding. She didn't. My brother Cody arrived and his mom Sheri. Then my other cousins, Taylor and Kacie with my uncle Shane's wife Claudia. My Mom came awhile after that.
Saying goodbye was so hard. But it still hadn't hit me. She couldn't really be gone, not yet. I still needed her, I love her, Cohen still needs her, he loves her.
Me, my brother and my dad all went to breakfast after leaving the hospital. We had Village Inn. We talked about all our good memories of grandma and how much we were going to miss her. I had to call and tell my Grandmas friend Rose. She lost it. A co-worker had to take her phone and tell me she would call me back. We went back to my dads and started going through pictures to find one for the obituary. I hadn't really slept, I got off work at 2:20am and then had only gotten about an hour of sleep. I crashed on the couch at my dads, so did my brother. A few hours later, Rose and Sam stopped by to check on us. Rose apologized for losing it. I understood. We talked for awhile with them and then it was time to get ready for the day, to go get Cohen. Actually they days after that are kind of a blur.
I slept a lot, cried a lot, and I also had to prepare my talk for the funeral. I can't explain those days in much more detail than, sleeping, eating, spending time with the family, and preparing for the funeral.
My uncle Shane had asked if I would pick out an outfit for my Grandma to wear and that I do her hair and make up. While the thought of this scared me to death, I was honored. I picked a beautiful black dress that had a floralish design to it with a shear black button up top. I had to be at the funeral home Sunday morning to get her ready for the funeral on Monday. I picked up my mom and my dad's neighbor Missy (she's a hair dresser and the sweetest lady). We met my aunt Sue, aunt Claudia, and cousin Emily at the funeral home. It was nice to have them there to help. I didn't know we were going to dress her, I couldn't do that. I had to leave the room while, my mom, Claudia, Sue, and Missy helped do that part. She was just so stiff, so cold. We painted her nails, did her make-up, and did her hair. She looked beautiful. Seeing her Sunday kind of prepared me for Monday.
Monday was the day to say our final goodbyes. We did the funeral thing, I got up and spoke, which was very hard. I listened to my dad, my great aunt Dana, my great uncle Lee, and my uncle Shane speak too. They all did a great job. It was a beautiful funeral.
The day after the funeral was the hardest for me. It was so final and there was no more preparing for the funeral to keep me busy. I miss her everyday and wish she was still here. I keep telling myself that she is in a better place, not in pain, with her sister, brother, and father (ya know, what everyone tells you that is trying to make you feel better in this situation). But the selfish part of me still wishes she was here for me to talk to everyday. To wake up and walk upstairs to her sitting on the couch watching her morning shows, Rachel Ray, The View, and then just recently All My Children. I could talk to her about anything. She was always there for me. I wasn't always the nicest person and at times hard to get along with, but she still loved me and I loved her. I still love her so much.
It is still going to be hard, Thanksgiving, Christmas, other Holidays, and birthdays will always hurt. I will still miss her everyday and I will still wish that Cohen would have gotten to spend more time with her. But I will see her again someday. And until then, that's what I will look forward to. I love you Grandma.
